What an amazing journey it has been.
And a lonely one at times.
I have since lost contact with many former friends, as the ability to relate to some of them has significantly decreased, as the dynamics of our interactions have diverged.
Our outlooks on life and the way in which we conduct ourselves have changed enormously, and I have been living in mainstream society, while many of my pre-transition friends, unfortunately, still haven’t transitioned due to jobs, families, and other obligations.
Furthermore, there truly are no transgender templates or role models for us newly transitioned folk to follow, in addition to transition being such an individual and unique experience to begin with, that trying to categorize transition into an individuated template would be dangerous anyway. But nevertheless, it’s still been a lonely journey.
So what a blessing it was to visit Hamburger Mary’s the other Saturday for my friend’s birthday. It had been over 2 years since I visited the transgender clubs, as most of my time was spent in the vanilla world, admittedly often at the malls ^_^
Except, there was a small problem.
I knew my former friend, Louann was going to be there. We used to have a photography business together, and upon me going fulltime, she insisted that I stay behind the scenes, as she didn’t want our business reputation to be “tainted” by a transsexual.
I really didn’t want to see her there, but I also knew I wanted to go out and have a good time. So I went, and reminded myself that I’ve achieved so many milestones, and this was merely another one for the record book. I also reminded myself about San Diego, 2012, when I was one year into my transition and visited a bar, and the first realization I had was how far I had come, and how much my confidence had grown. There is something amazing about cultivating experience and strength out in the vanilla world as a trans woman, such that when we visit the old venues that we used to go to, it seems like going from our jobs back to our junior high school campus to pay a visit.
So I went with my friend Monica, and when we got to Hamburger Mary’s, it was still a bit slow, as people were still trickling in on “tranny time.” We grabbed a seat, and I saw my friend Naomi, one of the first transgender girls I met in Los Angeles when I first started going out in 2002.
We started reminiscing about my journey, and how she has watched my entire process of self discovery unfold, and it was such an awesome, strong, and potent moment for me to realize how far I’ve come along my journey, and the amount of courage it has taken.
Then we both heard a song that had a good beat, and she asked if I wanted to dance. I hesitated at first, but I knew I came for my friend’s birthday and to dance. So I headed to the floor. If I was going to enjoy the evening I would have to get over the scrutiny; I would have to be comfortable being a naked performer.
I began moving my body slowly to the song “Too Close” by Alex Clare, and I reassured myself about my physical appearance and dancing ability. Then Naomi whispered in my ear, “You look fantastic, keep moving girl!”
Her compliment jolted me into another state of mind.
The next thing I knew, I was in a different world, on a completely free, uninhibited and present state of mind. I let my inner feminine energy flow, and I was completely unrestricted, channeling beauty and divinity through my aura.
I began dancing like no one was watching, even though all the men were focused on me. I touched my lips sensually, traced the contour of my body with my fingers, and moved like I hadn’t done so in years, completely owning the floor, taking over with unbridled self expression like Janet Jackson at Superbowl halftime.
It was such an amazing experience, potency, power, grace, elegance, sexiness, all displayed in a few minutes.
I finished and was breathing hard, exhausted, but absolutely satiated as my soul was allowed to breathe and replenish for all the lost time spent as a boy. It was amazing.
I sat back down with my friends, and a few of them commented “I’ve never seen you dance like that!” and “When did you learn to move like that?”, to which I replied:
“I found and aligned with my inner feminine diva.”
Even if it was only for 4:17 minutes.