Walking through doors has been really difficult for me lately.
I received a text message from an ex girlfriend, Amy, around Christmas. She wanted to get together for lunch.
She wanted to reminisce about old times, about how we used to be such an awesome couple. She still holds onto the fantasy that we can get back together, that she can get her prince and live happily ever after. And I don’t fault her for that.
But she doesn’t know I live as myself now, a woman.
And I’ve had so many opportunities to tell her that I’m Natalie. I’m me. I’m happier now, I’m living my life as a woman, in the proper gender presentation.
Yet, I’ve hesitated each and every time.
What is it that I fear? What is holding me back? What’s so scary about walking through that door?
Will passing through that portal cause irreversible changes in the interaction between Amy and me?
Will she ignore me and dismiss me as a freak? Will she want to meet me even more out of curiosity or her own possible latent bisexual urges? Or would she want to meet and just remain friends?
I think those 3 possibilities pretty much sum up the possible variations of how she’d react. I have a 66.7 percent chance that she would still want to keep in touch. Those are decent odds.
Yet, I’m reluctant to tell her.
That 33.3 percent haunts me. What if she dismisses me as sick, as a freak?
Would I let it trigger my own inner critic, fueling my transphobia and thus labeling myself as sick? Labeling myself as a freak, as lesser than?
Or would that be more of a reflection on her, not me? I’m just being myself. I’m just telling her the truth, my truth. What more could I do?
I can’t change her.
This clearly falls into the category of serenity, and not change.
God gave me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Very powerful words and highly applicable in this scenario.
But I’ve been hesitating on all the doors lately that have been presented to me by my Mother in the Sky.
I wanted to attend a meetup this past Sunday, and on Saturday, I was already getting cold feet.
Walking through a door to attend a discussion with 35+ people appeared daunting.
What if people clock me? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m self conscious throughout the whole ordeal? Can I endure being that nervous? Can I endure the scrutiny?
I think all of these doors create anxiety for my ego.
My ego wants to control these situations. It tries to convince me being myself, being happy, following my bliss, is a fallacy. Why pursue the real me and my bliss through a method that is sick? A method that society labels as freakish, incorrect, and faulty?
It had been easier in the past to resort to old patterns. I hid behind my boy facade and ran away from feeling my emotions.
So what if people don’t like me? Not everyone in the world can like me. And I’m okay with that.
Not everyone will understand transgender people. I’m okay with that.
And certainly, not everyone will make me the center of their universe or world. I’m okay with that.
What’s the worst that can happen? I grab my purse and leave.
What’s the worst that can happen if I tell Amy? I have the same relationship I do with her right now.
So what’s the worry?
There is really nothing to fear.
Let’s walk through these doors.
Let’s empower me.
Because no one else is going to do it for me.